Amanda Esquivel is the Owner and Lead Counselor for Room for Change, and serves as the Clinical Director for Camp Haven.
In my work as a therapist, I often hear people say, “I know I should apologize… but I just don’t know how.” It sounds simple. Two small words: I’m sorry. But for many people, those words feel very BIG. Why is that? Let’s look at it here.
First, saying “I’m sorry” means admitting we made a mistake, which in turn can hurt our pride. You may have been taught that being wrong is something to avoid at all costs. We need to learn to reframe being “wrong” as a sign of imperfection to be avoided. Let’s embrace our imperfection. To err is to be human. When you allow yourself to acknowledge your mistakes, it lends itself to others feeling more comfortable to own their mistakes. When we signal we are willing to own our stuff, it gives permission to others to do the same.
Second, for some, apologizing does not feel safe. If you grew up in a home where mistakes led to harsh punishment, yelling, or rejection, your brain may still connect being wrong with danger. Even as adults, when we are far away from those that taught us mistakes = pain, that fear can show up. If you find you fear the people around you, maybe it’s time to rearrange the relationships in your life. One of the best books on this subject is Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab. It’s absolutely worth the $15 investment.
Third, many people mix up behavior with identity. They think, “If I did something wrong, I must be a bad person.” But that is not true. Good people make mistakes and healthy relationships should allow room for repair. If you find yourself in a relationship with little to no room for errors, your’s or their’s, see the book recommendation I offered above. Healthy relationships should afford both parties grace for mistakes and the opportunity to course correct.
The truth is – apologizing is not weakness. It takes courage. It shows emotional maturity and care for the other person. If you want your apology to truly be sincere, here are three helpful tips:
1. Be specific. Instead of saying, “I’m sorry if you were hurt,” say, “I’m sorry I interrupted you.” Take ownership of your action.
2. Acknowledge the impact. Let the other person know you understand how it affected them. Such as “When I interrupted you, it didn’t leave you the opportunity to finish your story you were excited to tell.” Feeling understood helps people heal.
3. Commit to change. A meaningful apology includes growth. You might say, “Next time, I’ll allow you to finish speaking before I respond.” Change rebuilds trust.
In therapy, I often remind clients that conflict is normal. What matters most is repair. A sincere apology can soften anger, rebuild connection, and strengthen relationships. “I’m sorry” may be hard to say. But when spoken with honesty and care, it can open the door to healing.
Although the above article is focused on one off mistakes, what do you do when you find your beliefs have gotten in the way of your relationships? Keep your eye out for the next article, which will focus on apologizing when your belief system, such as politics or religion, has harmed others.
