Communication Tips for Building and Nurturing Solid Relationships

The cornerstone of a solid relationship is open, consistent, and clear communication, however we are rarely taught how to effectively communicate. We have so much working against us when trying to communicate. Our Southern roots suggest we remain cordial, even when cordial isn’t truthful or compassionate. Our hyperindependent society suggests we “stay in our lane” and not weigh in on other people’s lives. It’s hogwash. We are all basically walking around with an elementary understanding of communicating with others. The reality is, you can be clear AND kind, you can express concern without being nosy, and you can rock the boat without creating chaos.

Ready to learn some of the basics of effective communication? Here are some guidelines:
● Start the Conversation – If you notice a friend seems down or you’ve been feeling heavy about a recent exchange, don’t wait for them to come to you. Use “I” statements to reduce defensiveness. ‘
Try saying: “I know the last time we talked, I felt tense. I want you to know I’m dedicated to this relationship and finding a way forward.”

● Share Concern, Not Orders – It is easy to tell people what to do, but that often makes them shut down. Instead of making assumptions, ask open-ended questions about their goals and intentions. In the counseling world this is called “motivational interviewing”.
Try saying: “I know you signed up for that new group but I’ve noticed you’ve seemed dissatisfied with it lately. Are things lining up the way you wanted or are you considering changing course?”

●Listen More Than You Talk – Allow your compassion to be communicated through holding space for the other person rather than through an abundance of words.
Try doing: Give all of your attention to that person and what they are saying in the moment, don’t split your attention with your phone or other distractions. Use nonverbal communication, such as head nods, an open posture, and facial expressions to communicate you are fully focused on the conversation at hand.

● Avoid Overreach – Unless you are a professional, stay away from diagnosing others, such as saying “You’re depressed.”
Try saying: “I’m concerned because you haven’t been acting like yourself. What does it feel like for you right now?”

●Don’t Cheerlead Unhealthy Habits – Being a friend doesn’t mean agreeing with everything. If a friend is using alcohol to deal with stress or is isolating, don’t support those choices.
Try saying: “I hear that drinking helps you forget the stress for a minute, but I’m worried it’s making things harder for you the next day. Maybe we could go for a walk or grab coffee instead?”

● Know Your Limits – You are a friend, not a therapist. If things feel too heavy, it’s okay to suggest professional help. You can find resources through organizations like NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) to help you recognize when it’s time to reach out to a pro.
Try saying: “I will continue to be here for you, no matter what, however I think you also would experience relief by talking to a counselor. I can help you find someone so you don’t have to do it alone.” Begin using these guidelines, and you will be on your way to getting your PhD in effective communication