Garland, TX – I write this as someone who generally gets along with most people, but I acknowledge that not everyone shares that sentiment. Some may prefer not to get along, and that is their prerogative. However, for many of us who genuinely want to understand the world and the diverse individuals within it, it’s important to study the art of disagreeing constructively and collaboratively finding solutions that meet our needs. I’ve come to realize that I exercised these skills through experiences in speech and debate, waiting tables, observing my elders, working as a communications consultant, and voracious reading. Now, almost everyone finds themselves on social media, perhaps for the first time, and is faced with leveraging these skills without any direction.
Long before social media dominated our discourse, I found myself in the comments section of my local paper, engaging with differing viewpoints, and often getting into the spats that we see online daily. Initially, I didn’t always express my disagreements eloquently; I often approached differences with a hardline attitude. Unfortunately, that approach didn’t win me friends or influence people—it mostly pushed them away and deepened the divide. It’s important to recognize that no one gets this right all the time, and that’s okay. All we can do is strive to do better in the future.
My number one rule for disagreeing with others is to never attack, call them names, or make anyone feel inferior for holding a different opinion. We all bring our unique experiences, perspectives, and feelings to the table. What one person finds important may hold no significance for another. Similarly, what one person finds humorous, another might find offensive. When we inevitably upset someone, we should remember that it’s a part of being human—we are not perfect, and these are learning opportunities.
A timeless book that may have been gifted to you at some point in your career, How to Win Friends and Influence People, is worth the read. If you take away one lesson from it, let it be the importance of genuinely caring for those around you. Here’s a piece of wisdom from the book to consider:
“You can’t win an argument. If you lose it, you lose; if you win it, you lose. Why? Suppose you triumph over the other person, dismantling their argument and proving them wrong. You may feel satisfied, but what about them? You have made them feel inferior and hurt their pride. They will resent your victory. And—
A man convinced against his will
Is of the same opinion still.”
To help guide your conversations, keep these three primary rules in mind:
- Be Courteous: Avoid name-calling or belittling others.
- Never Argue: Remember that no one truly wins an argument.
- Be Genuinely Curious: Seek to understand others and their thought processes.
Whenever possible, take the conversation offline and discuss it in the real world.
The internet complicates these lessons; our jokes can fall flat, opinions may get muddied by deepening partisanship, and algorithms often favor uncivil discourse. While it’s not impossible to navigate these challenges, we must remind ourselves that everyone deserves a voice and a place at the table to discuss solutions that benefit us all.
